


No

by constipatedmuse



Series: how many morons does it take to stop the apocalypse? [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Drug Use, F/M, Gen, Post Season 2, Reader-Insert, Recreational Drug Use, Sleepovers, no beta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26029906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constipatedmuse/pseuds/constipatedmuse
Summary: Reader was a Commission assassin, too, who defected to help Five stop the apocalypse. After stopping two apocalypses, she's exhausted and done.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Original Female Character(s), Allison Hargreeves & Reader, Diego Hargreeves & Original Female Character(s), Diego Hargreeves & Reader, Klaus Hargreeves & Original Female Character(s), Klaus Hargreeves & Reader, Luther Hargreeves & Original Female Character(s), Luther Hargreeves & Reader, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Original Female Character(s), Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)/Original Female Character(s), Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)/Reader, The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy) & Reader, The Hargreeves Family, Vanya Hargreeves & Original Female Character(s), Vanya Hargreeves & Reader
Series: how many morons does it take to stop the apocalypse? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1914334
Comments: 4
Kudos: 83





	No

**Author's Note:**

> I have a whole back story for the reader, but this demanded to be written first. Who am I to question my muse?

Ben walked out. "Dad, who the hell are these assholes?"  
"Shit," everyone groaned.  
"No," I said.  
Everyone turned to look at me.  
"What do you mean 'no'?" Luther asked mildly.  
"I mean no," I repeated. I pointed at each target. "No to whoever these Sparrows are, no to emo Ben, and most of all, no to Reggie!"  
Ben stepped forward and shouted, "I don't know who you are, but you need to get out! This is the Sparrow Academy, and you are not welcome!"  
"One more word out of you, and I will bukkake you with your own fucking tentacles," I threatened.  
Ben's mouth snapped shut.  
I started walking toward the exit, motioning for the siblings to follow me. "We're out of here."  
Klaus pointed at Ben. "But what about --"  
"No, Klaus. That's not him. We've gotta regroup, okay?" I could feel that no one was following me, so I turned back and threaded my arm through Klaus's. "And some of us have been functioning on coffee and three hours of sleep for two damn weeks."  
Klaus glanced at Five and back to me. He seemed to deflate a little. "Yeah, I guess so."  
Five rolled his eyes. "I'm fine," he said.  
I glared at him. "Well, I'm not," I snapped. "I need sleep."  
Diego stepped between us. "Where the hell can we go?"  
Vanya interjected. "If we haven't changed the timeline too much, we could go to my apartment."  
I grinned triumphantly at Diego. "We can go to Vanya's."  
"Stop looking so smug," he said. "It might not even be there."  
Allison put her hand on Diego's shoulder. "Could you not? For, like, five minutes?"  
"In any event," Reginald broke in, "you need to leave!"  
I pushed back the rage I could feel in my chest. _This isn't the Reggie that traumatized your friends,_ I reminded myself.  
_No. This one traumatized a whole other group of kids,_ a small voice in my head responded. I looked up at the Sparrows and briefly wondered what mental scars they carried.  
_Fuck it. He's not worth it,_ I thought. I settled for grabbing Five's hand, tightening my grip on Klaus, and walking out the door.  
This time, everyone followed.

* * *

Vanya's apartment was still there, although she'd lost her keys at some point. Five had to open the door from the inside. We all piled through, and Klaus and I collapsed on Vanya's couch.  
Five marched off into the kitchen to look for coffee. Vanya followed.  
Everyone else found various places to sit, except for Luther, who started pacing.  
"Sit down, dude," I said.  
"I can't," he said. "We've gotta figure out --"  
"No, Luther. I said 'no.' We're tired. We're going to get some sleep. We're going to relax." I turned to Klaus. "In fact, Klaus is going to get us something to help us relax."  
"I am?" Klaus said.  
"You are," I affirmed.  
"Oh, uh, okay. I'll be right back," he said. He stood up, straightened the hat he'd somehow managed to keep track of, and stepped out.  
"Is that really the best idea right now?" Diego asked.  
"What? Getting high? I think it's the best idea ever," I retorted. I pointed to the kitchen. "Or do you think Five actually knows how to chill out?"  
Diego shook his head. "No. He never has."  
Five stalked back into the room. He calmly sipped his coffee, glaring at me over the rim of his cup. He lowered the mug, then said, "I can relax."  
I laughed. "You couldn't relax if Allison rumored you to!"  
He hid a small smile behind his coffee. "Shut up."  
Vanya entered the room, having cleaned up Five's mess. When he's desperate for caffeine, Five often forgets to put things away, like coffee beans, the coffee pot, the notebooks he keeps his equations in, various implements of torture, leftover limbs, etc.  
"Wouldn't it be easier -- not to mention cheaper -- to have Allison rumor everyone to sleep?" Vanya asked.  
"Maybe," I acknowledged. "But it would be a lot less fun."

Klaus returned a few minutes later, with a bag of gummy bears. "You know, it's a lot easier to get drugs when you don't have someone calling you a moron and constantly telling you to stop." He plopped onto the couch with a sigh. "God, I miss Ben."  
I leaned into Klaus's side. "I'm sorry," I said.  
Klaus put his arm around me. "Thanks," he said quietly, passing the bag to Vanya.  
She held it at arm's length, looking vaguely confused.  
Allison grabbed it from her and started doling out the candy. "Start small," she said. "One at a time."  
Diego paused before eating his. "Have you done this before?"  
Allison smiled enigmatically and popped a bear in her mouth. Then, she extended her hand to Klaus. "Come on," she said.  
He studied her hand for a moment, then slowly looked up at her. "Where are we going?"  
"We're going to throw all of Vanya's blankets and pillows on the floor, so we can all pile up like we're at a sleepover," she answered.  
His face lit up, and he grabbed her hand, pulling himself up. "Let's go!"  
Vanya stood up, too. She pointed and said, "Go get the stuff off my bed, and I'll grab the extra blankets in my spare room."  
Allison tugged Klaus's hand. "Let's go."  
All three reappeared seconds later with enough pillows and blankets to build a fort big enough for even Luther.  
I clapped my hands. "This is perfect!"  
Vanya and Allison tried laying down the pillows strategically, but Klaus knocked everything out of their hands and leapt into the pile like it was made of leaves.  
I giggled and followed suit.  
Allison and Vanya joined us, also laughing.  
The others just stared at us.  
"Fiiiiive," I whined. "There's room for you and the himbos, too."  
Five choked on his coffee. "'Himbos?'" he repeated.  
I raised my head to look at him. "Do you disagree?"  
"Nope, not really," he said. "Just making sure I heard you right." He finally sat down next to me.  
Diego elbowed Luther. "She said you're a himbo."  
"She said we're both himbos, stupid," Luther responded.  
They glared at each other for a moment before they finally burst out laughing and plopped down.

"Hey, does anyone have money for a pizza?" I asked.  
Everyone patted their pockets, then looked sheepishly at each other.  
Klaus shrugged. "I spent the last bit of cash on the bears."  
Suddenly, Allison brightened. "I have a credit card!"  
"Do you have it with you?" Diego asked.  
"No," she said, sadly. "Oh, but I could rumor the delivery guy!"  
"Good idea!" Klaus said. "I'll order."  
Sitting in the corner, staring into space, Luther said, "Get a lot. With pineapple!"  
Diego threw a book at him, but missed. "I knew there was a reason I hated you," he said.

"There's a bug on the wall!"  
"Where?"  
"Right there!"  
"That's a screw."  
"Are you sure?"  
"It hasn't moved in three hours."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Klaus suddenly yelled.  
I flinched away from him. "Oh, my god. What?" I asked.  
Klaus giggled and pointed at Five. "Is he high Five?"  
"High Five?" I wheezed. "Yes!"  
Five glared at us, then abruptly burst out laughing. "I'm high Five!" he yelled.

"Vanya, do you have any ice cream?"  
"I don't know. Go look."  
"Eh, too much trouble… Hey, do you have any cake?"

"I'm gonna turn the TV on."  
"You already did. An hour ago."  
"So I didn't actually solve a murder?"

"That bug is back!"  
"It's still a screw, dumbass."

* * *

At some point in the early morning, I woke up shivering. I nuzzled deeper into the warmth beside me. The warmth responded by throwing an arm over me and pulling me to it. I opened one eye to see who I was snuggling.  
For the first time in… months -- hell, years -- Five actually looked peaceful. The bloody assassin finally looked like the kid he, well, looked like. I smiled and closed my eyes again.  
A moment later, someone kicked me. "Sorry," Vanya mumbled.  
"No problem," I automatically answered.  
And despite not being a morning person and running on fumes for weeks, it really wasn't a problem. Before hurtling into the apocalypse, I had been an only child. I didn't get to experience the annoying parts of having a family, but I was really enjoying the safety and acceptance of having one now.  
I couldn't wait to get Ben back.


End file.
